I give up.

It’s three forty six in the A.M. and I’ve been laying sleepless in my bed since a little after one. So, here I am, sitting on the couch, watching an episode of Mad Men and eating shortbread Girl Scout cookies.

This has been happening more and more lately, this not-sleeping-at-night thing. It started out a few months ago, after I lost my job. Lost my job; I hate that phrase, as though I lost my job like it were a set of car keys. I got laid off, and it really shook me, hence the sleepless nights for most of September. I’d spend the wee hours reading a book, or surfing around the web reading news and discovering new blogs and writers, then usually pass out around four or five.

But, as I settled down and came to terms with my new role, or lack thereof, in life I started sleeping more soundly. It might have been that I was staying out until two, then sleeping till noon and keeping my days full in between, but I slept soundly for months. I was working hard, playing harder and filling the time between with school and its corresponding work.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, I just couldn’t fall asleep. I have no idea when or why that first sleepless night happened, but I do remember laying in bed, listening to the BBC on my radio and wondering why I was still awake at four in the morning. It wasn’t that I wasn’t tired; my body was exhausted but my brain was wide awake. I wondered and stressed and thought about it until I eventually woke up around two the next afternoon.

I knew, right then, that I wasn’t going to sleep that night either. It’s two in the afternoon, I thought, in twelve hours it’ll be two in the morning, and there’s no way I’ll be tired enough by then to sleep a whole night. I know my body better than that.

However, I also know my body’s weaknesses. I know that I can make myself fall asleep for almost exactly sixty minutes if I lay down on the couch after a meal. I know that I will wake up, after said nap, and be able to go another 18 hours without sleep. So, I concocted a plan to fool my body.

That day, or the remainder of it anyway, I went full throttle, trying to wear myself out. I also went to Kroger and picked up some sleeping pills. I went out that night with some friends, closed whatever bar we were at and got home around 2:30. I cooked myself a big bowl of rigatoni and served it up with a side of store-brand Nite Time Sleep Aid. I placed myself on the couch, put a movie in the player and chowed down on a late night dinner.

I woke up the next morning, still in my jeans and t-shirt, around ten. Pleased with myself, I enacted the second phase of my plan. I went about a normal day and got home from whatever it was around eight. I made dinner, with the same double serving of sleeping pills as a chaser. I lay on the couch and watched TV, waiting to fall asleep. This time I woke up, wearing shorts and a hoodie, around three in the morning. My plan had backfired, I hadn’t slept long enough. But I was wide awake, and there was no way I was going to fall back into a slumber.

So, I stayed awake. I watched some TV, read a book, and stressed about my inability to reach dreamland.

The sleepless nights have continued like that, sporadically, ever since. Some nights I’ll hit the hay at one-thirty and sleep like a proverbial baby. Other nights, I’ll turn in at eleven and lay in bed until 3, listening to the BBC on my radio, until I finally get up and take a sleeping pill. Either way, it’s frustrating as all hell. I’d rather not sleep at all than sleep some nights and not others or worse yet: than fall asleep at an ungodly hour and wake up midway through the next afternoon.

The hours of literally laying in wait for sleep to come are the most tormenting I’ve ever experienced. My mind races, my thoughts wonder, and I can’t focus on anything but the fact that I’m not asleep. And it’s obviously not getting any better: here I am, at 3:46 A.M., watching and episode of Mad Men and eating shortbread Girl Scout cookies.

Really? Twenty Ten? I can’t believe I’ve made it this far. Let alone the rest of the world, I could have sworn we’d all be dead by now. Either at the hands of a zombie apocalypse, some crazy world-wide epidemic, or even thermonuclear war. But then again what do I know, Nostradamus I’m not.

But anyway,  here’s a quick recap of ’09: Got hired by That One Company after temping there for more than a year; Parted ways with a girlfriend of three years;  Fell in love all over again with The Massive; Kicked started a career in writing; Followed The Crew to Chicago, Denver, New York, and Chicago again; Got touched by the economy; Picked myself up by the bootstraps; Enrolled in college; and Finally found gainful employment. Busy year, eh?

But that was the past. It’s all about the future now, and I’ve got big plans for this year. I’m going to buy a new (to me) car. I’m going to move into a new (to me, probably) apartment. I’m going improve my personal brand and get paid for writing. I’m going to get my associates.

There are a few other things that I want to do in the next 365, but I’m going to keep those under my hat for fear of jinxing them. But lets just suffice it to say this will be a big year for me. I’m going to make things happen.

Carpe diem, y’all.

This touched off an all night game of  ”What Would You Buy” between myself and Mr. Oaks. It was decided that a 9 million dollar jackpot would pay out about $5 mil after taxes, so we played with that number. It went pretty much like this:

• Two million would go straight into stocks. I’d get a nice little trust fund/nest egg going.
• $500k would go into a CD or bonds or some safe investment, where it would slowly grow and be waiting for when I needed it.
• I would take half a million and pay off my mom’s house and car, pay off my grandparents medical bills, and do other nice things for family members.
• I would give Mr. Oaks and Mr. Garee $50k each to buy a car or whatever they want. I would pay off Ms. Reitz‘ college.
• After those things are taken care of, the fun starts. First thing I’d do is go buy a car. Either an Audi S6, a Subaru Legacy GT, or a Volvo V50R. And I’d pay cash, just for the fun of it.
• Then, and I do mean immediately, I’d drive that new car to Easton to the Apple Store and do my best to spend 10 large.  I’m talking about a 13″ MacBook Pro (for carrying with me) and an 8-core Mac Pro with a 30″ HD Cinema Display. And a new iPod touch and whatever other toys I thought I might need.
• While I’m at Easton I’d probably spend a few hours just shopping around. I know I could spend some time in Bang & Olufsen, and it wouldn’t be hard to drop some coin at Nordstrom. I’d drive that new whip to Polaris, too. There’s a Finish Line there where I can grab some new kicks, not to mention Brooks Brothers (for those of you that know me well, you know why I want to walk into that store more than any other dressed in old jeans, a nasty t-shirt, and my steel-toes).
• Next would be a new place to live. I’m not sure if I would buy a house or a condo, but you can be sure it would be wicked cool – lots of mod furniture and super cool touches. An awesome foos table is a must, as is a monster (80″) TV and stereo system.
• The boys’ (and maybe a couple girls) and I would go to the World Cup,Champions League Final, and maybe Euro 2012. Also, there is not a single Crew game that I would not attend – home or away, foriegn or domestic.  We’d probably take in a few EPL matches too. I know for sure that I want to go to St. James Park and the boys would want to visit The Emirates.
• I’d see a Sox/Yanks weekend at Fenway. There is only one person in the world I would take with me.
• College would be paid for. For myself, my mom, and that one other person (you know who you are).

I’m sure there’s more. I’d buy a digital camera and a point and shoot, I’d get a lot of new clothes and shoes, I’d buy a new watch or two.  I’d get my teeth whitened. I’d probably spend a cool million in the first month.

It would be no problem, really, if you knew there was more where that came from to spend a lot of money in a short time. After the car and the house and the travel, the little things all add up pretty quick. Especially when “little things” are $5,000 – $10,000 apiece. The challenge would be making the money last.

I don’t think I’d stop working altogether. I’d certainly finish my degree, cause $5 million won’t last forever and I’d have to get a job at some point out of boredom. But I would certainly take some time to travel.

So what about y’all: If you suddenly had a check for $5 million what would you do? That’s life changing money, but how would your life change? I know there’s a lot of things we all have in common (houses, cars, etc.) but what would you do differently with your windfall than I would with mine?

November was an interesting month by all accounts, and I won’t soon be forgetting it. It wasn’t so much that it was way off the charts with weirdness or something earth-shattering occurred, nor did I win the lottery or go to jail. Nothing that interesting happens to me anymore.

Actually, very little as changed since the last time we talked – I’m still unemployed, I still don’t own a car, and I still spend way too much time on my couch. But I’ve taken a lot of self-inventory over the past few weeks and needless to say I’ve learned/realized a few things. Let’s review:

1. Charm alone will only get you so far in life. At some point some work needs to be put in or the truth must be told or something difficult must be done. A lot of things in life can be faked or falsified, but the important stuff takes effort and honesty and fortitude.
2. The hardest things to admit usually contain the most truth. For example: I don’t want to go back to school because I have no desire to do the work and I’m ashamed of that.  I can only admit that now because I’ve come to terms with it, but there are other things that I don’t want to admit because saying them out loud only gives them credence.
3. “Life is what happens while you’re making other plans.” The Walrus really hit the nail on the head with that one, eh?
4. Money can’t buy happiness, and friends are priceless, but with more money I’d be able to make my friends happier. Everyone loves the guy who picks up the check, right? One of these days everything will come full circle and I’ll get mine, but until then it stings.
5. At this point my life isn’t worth sharing. I need to get my own house straight before I start trying to open the door to a lady. Yes, it is great to offer support and companionship and an assumed Friday night date but, let’s be honest here, chicks really want a guy who will pick up the tab and bring her home to a nicer place than hers.
6. It only takes three things to turn a good day into a great day: 1) good tunes on an iPod, 2) a hobby that will clear your head, and 3) good friends who know that company is priceless and a well told joke is the best therapy.
7. The past is the past, and dwelling isn’t healthy, but there are still things to be learned from mistakes that were made. However, there is also a lot to be learned from the successes that were had.
8. Life ain’t too bad. Yeah, I got laid off, I’ve gone practically broke, and I got dumped all in the last ninety days. But honestly, how bad is any of that? If I hadn’t have gotten canned I wouldn’t be going back to school, living on a shoestring is teaching me valuable money-management skills, and getting dumped is something that needs to happen to everyone at least twice – it’s an eye opener that forces you to look at yourself from another perspective. All-in-all, I’m going to come out of this a better man.

So yeah, November 2009 will go down in history as “The Month of Lessons.”

I haven’t slept well in weeks, but each night the dreams come a little easier. I haven’t had an actual home-cooked meal (not counting Thanksgiving) in forever, but I’m going to start cooking for myself again. Today marks the start of my 13th week being unemployed, but I’ve got two interviews this week and I’m going to rock them both. Things are getting better by all accounts, and I’m not going to let them get this bad ever again.

This coming weekend I’ll begin my 28th lap around the sun and I am bound and determined to make it better than any of the previous. Come hell or high water I will learn, I will improve, and I will come out ahead.

(Side note: I don’t know how many readers I have or who any of you are unless you leave a comment, but to those of you who’ve stuck around for the past few months and offered encouragement while I sorted all this crap out: thanks. Y’all are great friends, and everyone knows that it’s only friends and opposable thumbs that separate us from the animals.)

Hey, I’ve been busy. Kind of. It’s hard work being unemployed and broke: there’s non-cable TV to watch, there’s interweb to browse, there’s soccer to play.

There are jobs to find (or so I hear), there is school to back to, and there is financial aid to apply for so that school can be paid for.

There are social events to attend (if they’re sufficiently cheap or paid for by a friend), there are dates to take the girl on (again, budget dependent), and there are soccer games to watch and write about.

I also keep myself occupied being completely useless and roaming about town aimlessly.

Progress on the job search is as follows: No one wants to hire me. I haven’t applied for a McJob or at a call center yet, I’m trying to save those for worst case scenarios, but of all of the interviews I’ve been on I’ve gotten exactly zero calls back. Maybe it’s time to go to DEFCON 3.

Sidenote: I’m pretty sure that Mr. Obama is wrong when he says the recession is over and things are getting back to normal. Maybe he could come to Ohio and talk to 10-12% of the population, just to see what we think.

But, the other side of that coin is that I’ve finally decided to go back to school. Since I’m going to be working my fingers to the bone for the next 50 years or more I might as well get a job doing something I love and maximize my income potential along the way. As much as I hate to admit it the only way to do those two things without winning the lottery or finding oil in my backyard is to get a degree.

But my parents have been telling me that for the past 5 10 15 20 years.

So it’s off to DeVry with me, looking for a degree in graphic design. Three years from now I’ll finally be a college grad. Better late than never, right?

So that’s the main news of life. I’ve got a few other tricks up my sleeve: I’m contemplating writing some fiction; I’m thinking of branching out my blogging “career”; I’m probably going to give up drinking anything but water. These are things that I’ve always thought of doing, just to see what it’s like, and there’s no time like the present.

I’ll keep ya’ll posted on how it all goes. Hopefully more than twice a month. I swear I keep meaning to post but every time I sit down to do it something really cool comes on PBS…yada yada.