A Rant

There are a few things, in no particular order, that I need to get off my chest. To make it easy for everyone, I’ll present them in list form (if you think I’m writing about you I probably am—bring the drama):

• Stop making out everywhere we go.
  It’s not cool, it’s kind of annoying, and everyone hates it. It’s not that we’re “jealous of the love you share,” it’s that we don’t want to watch the two of you play tonsil hockey for three hours every night. Neither does anyone else at the bar.

• Its not my fault you’re a terrible writer.
  You just didn’t pay attention in elementary school. I did, therefore I can manipulate the English language into sentences and sentences into paragraphs so that those paragraphs then form complete thoughts. Also, I will mock you for your lack of skill, it was elementary school, after all. Deal with it. Or learn to write better.

• My Facebook profile isn’t your Facebook profile.
  If I find a picture of me that I would like to tag as such, I will. Don’t worry, I do know how. Maybe I just don’t want half a gazillion unsolicited pictures of me flying around the internet. Especially Facebook. Especailly when I may be looking for a job in the near future. I can’t hire a publicist (yet) so I’ll be my own. Thank you very much.

• If you’re going to can me, just do it already!
  I’m tired of walking around on eggshells for 8-10 hours a day. And so is everyone else. We all know you’re going to “restructure,” so just get on with it. Don’t make us re-apply for our jobs, just tell us if we get to keep them or not. A little consideration for those of us without 6-figure salaries could make everyone’s life a lot easier.

• If I come to your party, and you’re way past drunk, I am not de facto in charge.
  As a matter of fact, if you only invited me so that I’d take over and control the shenanigans, then we may need to recalibrate our expectations regarding this friendship. Yes, I can take control of most situations and people tend to be intimidated by my size, but controlling a house full of drunks is not my idea of a good time. It’s actually kind of a drag. So how about next time you throw a party you stay sober so that you can do damage control? Also, next time you throw a party, don’t invite the guy that doesn’t need any liquid courage to act a fool. OK?

• There is more to life than the routine we currently have.
  What do you say we all grow up, get real jobs, find a hobby or two and get down to the business of life? I’m going to get out of this rut, without leaving the six-one-four, and I know you can too. We’re all smart people, we have what it takes. I’m tired of being a 27 year-old 22 year-old. You can’t tell me you’re not…

Whew, that felt good. Thanks for listening, Interweb. You’re the best!